When our son was born, my then-husband and I had to figure out our roles as parents. Later when we separated and divorced we had to figure out our roles as sole parents. This transition happened when we were also trying to determine who we were as not-married people. Worse, we had to figure out how to parent a child who has a mom and dad in different time zones.
At first I found the pressure of sole parenting – parenting on your own – overwhelming. How could I do it all well, when I had to do it all? While I met and befriended other mothers in the same position, I felt that I was still missing that one person to bounce parenting ideas off of, or to share with the cute things that my son did. There was no-one who knew my son as I did, or who experienced living with him as I did.
I envied those divorced friends of mine who were able to have a few nights a week when their child went to their exes’ homes. A break, I thought, would give me some perspective on the issues I was facing in my parenting. But for those of us not lucky enough to live in the same postal code as our ex – and yes, that is lucky in many respects – we need to find how to parent when we are either responsible for everything and involved in every aspect of our child’s life, or when we are communicating with our child only through Skype, email, and the phone.
When I was with my son, I found that spending so much one-on-one time with him jeopardized my perspective on what I was doing well, and less well, as a parent. I also felt that the relationship could become too intense. We spent time with other single moms and their only child, leading to a new kind of couple: Laurie and Luke, Mira and Nate, Jackie and Emma. Child and parent, we were bonded together in a new kind of relationship, prone to the spats and bickering that are common among married couples. The traditional division of child and parent occasionally blurred.
Then comes the summer, which my son spends with his dad in Tokyo. I miss my son so much that my stomach hurts. Sometimes I double-up with the pain of missing him. I have to put my energy into doing those things that I otherwise had to put off because I am so very busy when my son is with me full-time. I work on the garden, paint the closet and write to friends. I also shift into a different parenting mode: I pop postcards to my son in the mail, call to find out how his day was, and Skype him so that we can read books together and make silly faces at each other. Sometimes I think it would be easier and less painful to have less contact, but I know that it’s important to my son that while he is with only one parent at a time, he has the both of us, always.
Time together allows a parent and child to find out how to be with each other, how to negotiate their differences and how to heal the inevitable wounds of being apart. And really, I think it’s lucky that my son’s father is as involved as he is, given how far away he is. Being the far-away parent for two months of the year helps me remember how my ex must feel, seeing his son through the webcam and knowing how very much of his daily life he is missing out on sharing with him. By making the contact between my son and his father frequent and easy, I ensure that I receive the same treatment when I am the one far away.
I know that such an easy respect of the other parent is not everyone’s situation. A friend of mine was shocked that my ex and I have found such an amicable way to allow for each other to parent and connect with our son. He told me he wants to bleach the driveway after his ex drops off his kids. I get that: divorce is fraught with pain, humiliation and often, financial difficulty. It’s hard not to hate in such circumstances. I indeed hated my ex for a while, and hated sharing our son even more. But I’ve come to a place where I understand that more important than what he did to me, and what I did to him, is what we can create together: a balanced, healthy child who feels a deep connection with both his parents.
Does this mean I accept his way of parenting? Not really. Sometimes it drives me crazy what he lets our son get away with, and the food he gives him to eat. But unless I want to try to control that which I cannot, for my own sanity I have to let it go. The saying “choose your battles wisely” has guided me to try to influence the biggest issues in parenting our son, but letting the rest slide, After all, if my son is safe, I have to trust that he’ll be okay. And if I trust that he’ll be okay, I can find a kind of peace in parenting across time zones.