In the chaos that is my everyday life, I sometimes forget to pay attention to the small shifts going on around me. One of the shifts that I noticed recently is in my teenage stepson. This year he started high school, and with it an intense sports program and a commute by public bus. With this transition in his life there have been other changes that signal the transition to adulthood.
One such change is an ability to see outside of oneself. Children are such lovely, self-centred beings. The world revolves around them, people exist to help them, and there is little beyond the present moment. I don’t mean that children are selfish; I mean that they see themselves at the heart of everything. It’s just part of who they are when they very young. My six-year-old son often has this self-centredness about him; it is both annoying and very charming. My stepson, however, has less of this childhood self-centredness. Every now and then he operates from that childish standpoint, but these days, he is an adult more than he is a child.
I saw this yesterday when he overhead my partner and I figuring out how to cover our monthly bills. He asked if we were discussing finances, and when we said yes, he offered to lend us money. Embarrassing as it was for my partner and I, it was also endearing. His offer demonstrates an ability to place the greater good of our family above his own wants. Another example is his recognition – all on his own – that he needed to lay down clear boundaries with a girl who call too late and too often. He saw that it was not only better for him, but for her as well.
Such kindness and empathy is, of course, seen in children as well. But what I see in my stepson is his desire to assert his adulthood and his newfound sense of bigness in a way that is different than I have seen in children. It involves taking care of one’s own business, and offering support to others.
This transition to adulthood is not one that is straightforward. It has a “two-steps forward and one-step back motion” to it, and it also can happen without much support. It’s both joyful and hard to watch this development, and I am very, very thankful that I get to watch him mature into a responsible, caring young man.
While support may happen in the home, outside the home may be a different story. I have seen in myself and others that boys in their teenage years (and this may be true for girls, as well, but not in my experience) are treated with a degree of apprehension or suspicion. When walking on the street, I notice that boys are not greeted like others are. I may hesitate to say hello to a teenage boy, while I heartily greet males both younger and older. What is that about? I don’t know, but it is something I will think about the next time I see a young male on the street, and feel myself hesitating to say hello. Perhaps he too just offered to lend his parents money, or initiated an uncomfortable conversation with his friend.